


those times are over and done (love’s web is spun)

by sunshine_butch



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: (its super vague nothing more than in canon), Character Study, First Kiss, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Canon, character backstory, self-harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 16:39:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15174923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_butch/pseuds/sunshine_butch
Summary: Caleb passes him on the way out, their shoulders brushing, causing a nauseous feeling to blossom in the pit of Adam’s stomach, but not like he had just swallowed acid. It almost feels like butterflies. It was the first thing he’s felt through the heavy static in a long time.Not that Adam notices.(or: me projecting my entire childhood onto Adam Hayes, plus the near future i hope to have)





	those times are over and done (love’s web is spun)

**Author's Note:**

> hewwo! this is the first thing ive written in years and the longest by about 6k words, and it was so so much fun to do. i hope y’all enjoy enjoy reading this and much as i enjoyed writing it!
> 
> (also, i’m not kidding when i say this is me projecting. literally every event or character from the pre-canon part of this is adapted directly from my childhood ;*;)
> 
> enjoy!

Adam has never understood how people “always knew” that they were gay. Like, he hadn’t ever thought he was  _ not _ gay— he just figured he had to be straight. Whenever kids at school would call him gay he was never offended, just confused.    
  
“I’m not gay,” he would respond reflexively.   
  
“Of course not,” replied Amy, who had tried to enlist him as her Gay Best Friend in fourth grade, with a wink and a grin that left Adam feeling unsettled.   
  
And it’s not defensive, not really a lie, when he says he isn’t gay, because he really believes it. It’s true if you believe it, right? So all he has to do is convince other people, right? Because it’s not that he doesn’t want to be gay or that he doesn’t like gay people, he just isn’t one of them. Right?   
  
That Jessica girl is kinda pretty, right? She’s tall and has green eyes and freckles underneath her glasses and dark hair and she looks kind of like Stuart, but it doesn’t really matter, right?   
  
He decides to spend time with her, because that’s what people do when they have crushes, right? And he feels a little nauseous whenever their arms brush or she looks at him, but that’s what a crush is supposed to feel like, right?   
  
But Adam isn’t gay, because gay boys wear tight shirts and makeup and talk in weird voices and like pink and Lady Gaga and Britney Spears and that has never been Adam. Adam has always liked dark colors and big hoodies and sad music and (probably kinda sorta not really actually now that he thinks about it) Jessica and (probably not kinda sorta definitely now that he thinks about it) Stuart.

 

But Adam isn’t gay. Right?

 

***

 

In first grade, Adam’s class puts on a “Winter Holidays” show for their parents and the other first grade classes. Adam gets put in the Kwanza section, and is told to memorize some line about what the colored candles mean. Standing next to him is Sean, a tall boy with reddish floppy hair and a kind smile that lights up his dark brown eyes.

 

Not that Adam notices.

 

Adam studies hard to remember his one line, about how black candles stand for people and red candles stand for struggle and green candles stand for hope. He can’t mess up the line, because then his parents will be disappointed. It’s not like Sean might think he was stupid and laugh, and as much as Adam likes that smile, he doesn’t want it directed at his failure.

 

Not that Adam would have noticed.

 

The teachers pair kids up for the final Christmas dance, but there aren’t enough girls (there usually would be, but Julia and Caitlin are home sick today). Adam and Sean are paired up and whenever their hands brush Adam’s stomach threatens to fly out of his chest with all the butterflies fluttering around in it. He wonders if this feeling is why kids get married on the playground, with rings made of grass and clumsy ceremonies held under the knotted tree in the back corner of the field.

 

The next day, Adam has to dance with Julia instead. He wants to keep dancing with Sean, but Sean is dancing with Caitlin now. Adam spends most of the day watching the two of them; they can never get the steps quite right, and they burst into fits of giggles throughout play practice. 

 

The next day, Adam sees Sean and Caitlin holding hands, still giggling, with rings made of grass under the knotted tree in the back corner of the field. Something heavy settles in his stomach that day, weighing it down, crushing its threat to fly away.

 

Sean still smiles every day but it’s never at Adam. On the day of the performance, he says his line perfectly, but nobody seems to notice. His parents couldn’t make it, they were busy, they were always busy. He knows it isn’t their fault, but it still hurts.

 

Adam stops thinking about butterflies and weddings.

 

***

 

A few days after the performance, Julia walks up to him as he gets off the swings.

 

(Adams loves the swings. They help him feel light, help him remember what it feels like to think you can fly away at any moment.)

 

She says she wants to be his girlfriend, and Adam wants to ask why, wants to ask how she knows, but says “sure” because that’s just easier. She takes his hand, but their fingers can’t seem to fit together comfortably, in a way that feels right. Eventually, Adam’s curiosity gets the better of him.

 

“How did you know?”

 

“Know what?”

 

“That you wanted to be my girlfriend?”

 

“My tummy got butterflies when we danced together and I asked my mommy what it meant, and she said it’s because I like like you and I should ask to be your girlfriend.”

 

Adam doesn’t say anything for a long while, just thinks. Then, “Do you remember how when you were gone from practice that one day and I danced with Sean instead?”

 

Julia drops Adam’s hand then. On the way back to class, Julia sees her friends and forgets about Adam.

 

He’s glad that he doesn’t have to hold her hand anymore.

 

The weight in his stomach gets just a little bit heavier that day.

 

***

 

In third grade, his parents go out of town for some sort of work conference. They can’t tell him any details, but they’ll be back soon, and they love him.

 

His Auntie Annabelle is picking him up from school that day. He had always liked her. She’s smart, driven, independent. She never makes him promises she can’t keep—  she’s always been very careful with her words that way.

 

Some days when she picked him up from school, she would tell Adam about her time at Yale and stories of his mom as a kid. Some days, they drove home in comfortable silence, just thinking. Today, Adam decides to think out loud.

 

“Auntie Annabelle?”

 

“Yes, Adam?”

 

“Have you ever been in love?”

 

“...”

 

“Auntie Annabelle?”

 

“I think so.”

 

“Why did you never get married?” She laughs, and it’s just a little too cold.

 

“I was too busy. I’ve always been so busy, and I couldn’t let something like marriage get in the way of my work.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

Adam decides that he doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t need to, that he can make himself busy and find a job he can pour himself into (after he graduates from Yale, of course). It’s fine if he’s lonely, as long as he’s busy.

 

The weight in his stomach gets just a little bit heavier that day.

 

***

 

In fifth grade, a tall, dark haired boy named Stuart tells him to  _ stop being so weird, why are you so obsessed with me Adam, do you have a crush on me or something _ .

 

(The fifth grader’s playground doesn’t have swings. Adam has started to forget how to feel light.)

 

The weight in his stomach gets just a little bit heavier that day.

 

***

 

By seventh grade, the swings are a distant memory. Adam can’t remember the last time he felt light. Getting out of bed is hard, he’s so tired, this weight in his stomach has spilled into his lungs and limbs and eyelids that never want to stay open. It feels like static, a nothingness that is so loud that it makes him want to cry and scream but he doesn’t have the energy, so he listens to music that will cry and scream for him.

 

He hates this feeling so much, so fucking much, how the static fills him up and crushes his ribs and his heart and if he doesn’t let it out, it’ll crush him into oblivion, so he lets it out.

 

***

 

_ “I never wanted to die, that wasn’t the point” _

 

***

 

In eighth grade, Jessica comes out as a lesbian. She cuts her hair short and wears flannels and holds Ellie’s hand during lunch and laughs loudly and unapologetically and seems so fucking free and  _ happy _ .

 

They’re always on the same PE team, the one that never has a name or wins a game because they simply can’t be bothered. They spend as much time as possible avoiding whatever sport they’re being forced to learn this month, lingering in the locker rooms or sitting down on the sidelines. Usually Jessica and Ellie sit together, giggling, with Adam a few feet away, watching the opposing team play the three other people who even pretend to try.

 

(Caleb is on the other team. He’s good, he’s really fucking good, moving with speed and purpose across the field. Not that Adam notices.)

 

Ellie is sick today, so Jessica sits with Adam on the field instead, trying to make him laugh with little success.

 

(Adam doesn’t laugh much these days. Most of the time, the static is just too heavy for anything to pull itself out from underneath.)

 

“Fourth grade was fucking miserable, y’know,” Jessica comments after a stretch of silence spent observing their classmates.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Do you remember that shithead Stuart?”

 

“Holton or Papagni?”

 

“Holton.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

“So like, I decided that everyone else had a crush on somebody, and I didn’t like anybody, so I picked him. He was conventionally attractive, tall and pretty and dark hair and shit. Anyways, I just remembered telling everyone about it. Like if everyone believed it so would I.” She laughs bitterly. “I felt sick to my stomach whenever he so much as looked at me. Not like butterflies, but like… like I had swallowed acid.” Adam lets out a breathy snort, not quite a laugh, but something. Jessica grins triumphantly at that

 

“No offence, but why are you sharing this with me?” Jessica shrugs, still smiling.

 

“Just popped into my head, I dunno.” Then, after a long pause, “You ever felt that?”

 

“Felt what?”

 

“The, uh, that acid feeling, when you force yourself to have a crush? The one I just told you about?”

 

“I’m not gay,” Adam protests instinctively. Jessica throws up her hands in mock defense.

 

“Sorry man!”

 

Mr. Jones calls for everyone to head back to the locker rooms, and Jessica hops up, clearly ready to leave. Adam barely notices, still thinking about what she just said.

 

She kicks him playfully. “Time to get up, Adam.”

 

“Huh?” Jessica laughs at that. She seems to laugh at a lot of things, and Adam can’t help but envy the joy that spills out of her.

 

“It’s time to get the hell off this fucking field,” she says, pulling him up and still laughing.

 

Adam shuffles back to the boy’s locker room, shrugging off his hideous school-assigned PE shirt from over his black hoodie, still thinking about the nausea that Jessica was talking about. Caleb passes him on the way out, their shoulders brushing, causing a nauseous feeling to blossom in the pit of Adam’s stomach, but not like he had just swallowed acid. It almost feels like butterflies. It’s the first thing he’s felt through the heavy static in a long time.

 

Not that Adam notices.

 

***

 

That evening, after brushing his teeth, Adam pushes his bangs out of the way and stares at himself in the mirror, noticing the bags under his eyes, clearly visible even against his dark complexion. 

 

“I’m gay.” He sees his reflection say the words, but they don’t feel like his own. He thinks about dancing with Sean, about holding hands with Julia, about Stuart, about Jessica sharing her experiences with him on the PE field.

 

“I’m gay,” he repeats, more forcefully, and this time the words come from him. His reflection in the mirror doesn’t change, but the weight in his stomach lifts a little, if only for a moment. He whispers the words to himself one more time, just to be sure.

 

“I’m gay.”

 

***

 

After this realization, not much changes. Adam doesn’t really come out, just stops correcting people.

 

***

 

The weight in his stomach keeps growing heavier and the static pushes harder every day, drowning out everything else.

 

He’s angry, angry that he has to live with this sadness and angry at the world for causing it and angry at himself for not being able to  _ just deal with it, everyone feels sad, you aren’t fucking special _ . Besides, it’s nice to feel something, anything other than the emptiness that fills his veins and trickles down his arm and down the shower drain, but only for a little while, just long enough to feel it.

 

He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, but he has to let it out somehow. 

 

Until one day, when he fucks up. He fucks up so, so badly.

 

By that point his veins are filled with more static than blood, and he can’t get it all out. It was just supposed to make it easier, this isn’t how it was supposed to go.

 

***

 

_ “Most of the time I was careful, you know… but that time I got— I got a bit carried away.” _

 

_ *** _

 

Adam loves English presentations, loves taking works of art apart and reconnecting all the bits and pieces and making it all make sense. He really loves Shakespeare, especially because of the complicated characters and the beauty of their downfalls. Tybalt destroyed by his anger, Hamlet destroyed by his sorrow, Macbeth destroyed by his guilt. Adam’s life sure as hell isn’t beautiful, but maybe his suffering can be. 

 

Adam loves English presentations, and he’s damn good at them, too. He feels proud of all the connections he’s able to make, especially in Lady Macbeth’s famous soliloquy in Act V.

 

What’s that one saying? Ah, yes, pride cometh before the fall. 

 

Two meathead jocks corner him at the lockers near the cafeteria after class, Stuart and Kyle.

 

“Hey nerd, what was the fucking deal with you showing off in English today? Trying to impress Mr. Collins?” The words are harmless enough, but there’s something in his tone that causes a bitter taste to rise in the back of Adam’s throat.

  
“Yeah, why can’t you just stay quiet?” Sean pushes him back, and even though he clearly isn’t putting his full weight into it, the force is enough to send Adam’s shoulders slamming into the lockers behind him.

 

“God, you’re so pathetic, fucking emo-ass loser.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize this was a shitty coming-of-age movie,” Adam mutters under his breath, anger building up beneath his skin.

 

“Hey, what the fuck did you just say? Wanna say it to my face, you fucking f—”

 

“Come on guys, don’t be such asshats.” Sean and Kyle turn to locate the source of the new voice and Adam sees Caleb, the boy he’s had a crush on for the last three and a half years, glaring at the two dicks who suddenly seem a lot less scary. 

 

“Why do you care about this emo loser?”

 

“Oh my god, shut up Sean!” Caleb seems angry, way too angry to just be reacting to some loner kid he’s never talked to before being pushed around a bit. Then, “Leave him alone, the dude’s sad enough as it is! Can’t you see that? He just— he just wants to be left alone.”

 

The words feel like a punch to the gut. Adam feels his face turn red, and he needs to leave  _ right the hell now _ . He thought he was hiding it well; nobody at school knew about the summer before sophomore year. But Caleb, the one person whose opinion matters to him, can tell just how sad he is.

 

***

 

Adam  _ is _ sad, which sounds stupid and is incredibly reductive anyways.

 

He’s also angry, he’s so fucking angry. Angry at himself for being so stupid, angry at his parents for treating him like a stranger as if he wasn’t broken all along, angry at his peers for not noticing earlier, angry at Caleb for being so fucking beautiful.

 

Well, he can’t stay angry at Caleb for long.

 

One day, before English class, Caleb is looking at him for a while. Adam feels a little queasy, but is able to ignore it, until Caleb starts to walk towards him, and Adam panics.

 

_ Oh shit oh fuck he’s seen me looking he thinks I’m a creep he’s coming to yell at me why is this happening it’s like fifth grade all over again I’m so stupid and _

 

Suddenly, Caitlin stops Caleb and nervously starts talking. Adam can’t help but listen in on the conversation happening just a few feet from his desk.

 

“So, uh, Sadie’s is next week.”

 

“Yeah, I uh, I saw the posters.” Caleb seems flustered as well, which causes Adam’s stomach to sink a little bit.

 

“And, uh, I was wondering, because I really, uh, I really like you, if you would want to maybe, like, go with me?”

 

“Oh! Uh, yeah, sure.” Adam’s stomach drops through the floor when he hears that, and his ears start ringing.

 

Of course Caleb said yes, Caitlin is pretty, and it’s not like Caleb was gay. Besides, Caleb  _ is _ a total jock and she’s on the cheer team, so they’re a perfect fit.

 

Caitlin says something else after that, but Adam’s ears are still ringing and he can’t focus all of a sudden, so he turns up his music and pulls out his journal and starts scribbling until the bell rings for the start of class and he is forced to pull out his earbuds and listen to more idiotic presentations on Macbeth.

 

Clearly, none of the kids had actually read the play. Even if they had, very few would have understood what self-hatred and guilt can really do to a person.

 

The weight in his stomach gets just a little bit heavier that day.

 

***

 

“Hey, uh, Adam?” Adam looks up, panicked, thinking that maybe Sean and Kyle were back, but instead sees Caleb standing awkwardly next to his desk. And, wait, does he look nervous? It’s so hard to tell, because Adam can barely focus through the panicked state he finds himself in. The butterflies are fighting through the static and he feels absolutely terrified and  _ wait shit did he say something shit fuck Caleb fucking Michaels is talking to me why would he talk to me  _ and then Caleb is asking him if he wants to eat lunch with him and  _ wait what why in the hell is Caleb Michaels, the boy I’ve had a crush on since eighth grade, asking me to eat lunch with him _ and then he hears himself saying yes and sees Caleb’s face break into a grin and it all happened so fast Adam barely registers that anything even happened and  _ wow Adam you really gotta lay off the caffeine huh _

 

And then they’re walking to the grassy hill behind the cafeteria.

 

“I hope you don’t mind, it just gets so fucking loud in there sometimes, y’know?” Adam thinks about the static in his veins that sometimes fills his brain and gets so loud that he just wants to blast Hozier and drown it all out.

 

“Yeah, I get it.”

 

They sit in the shade of a large knotted oak tree, and once Adam realizes that Caleb isn’t pulling some sort of weird prank on him, he finally feels calm and they settle into easy conversation. The static is still there, but when he’s talking and laughing with Caleb, he can actually forget about it for a little while.

 

***

 

Adam is still sad, still really fucking sad, but Caleb gives him something to think about, something to hold onto, whenever his parents have a…  _ disappointed _ tone when talking about his grades or he’s just having a bad fucking day. Whenever his skin starts to itch and he needs to let it out, he pick up his phone and texts Caleb to see if they can meet up at the park to talk.

 

_ (4:18pm) hell yea sounds good. i can meet u in like 20? _

 

_ (4:19pm) Ok, see you then _

 

_ (4:19pm) see u! (: _

 

Adam’s chest feels warm when he sees the little smiley face. It’s such a small detail, but a very cute one.

 

But no, he can’t ruin this friendship with his stupid crush, Caleb is the first real friend he’s had in… well, ever, and he can’t afford to lose him.

 

***

 

_ (2:59am) hey, u awake? _

 

_ (2:59am) Yeah, I am. _

 

_ (2:59am) do u need to talk? _

 

_ (3:00am) Why do you ask? _

 

_ (3:00am) idk, just a feeling i guess _

 

_ (3:00am) No, I’m alright. _

_ (3:04am) Actually, you know what, I really do need to talk _

 

_ (3:04am) called it! _

_ (3:04am) ok gimme like 2 seconds to grab my earbuds and i’ll skype u, is that chill? _

 

_ (3:04am) Yes, that sounds good. _

 

_ Screw it _ , he decides, and for the first time in years, he thinks about what it might feel like to get married.

 

***

 

The static in his veins never really goes away, and neither does the weight in his stomach, but talking to Caleb makes it easier to deal with. And sometimes (okay, maybe a little more often than  _ sometimes _ ) those butterflies would push through. It was really nice, even if Caleb doesn’t feel the same way. 

 

_ I mean, he’s Caleb Michaels, rising star of the football team, and definitely not gay.  _ Adam tries to push the thought away, instead focusing on how easy it is to be with Caleb.

 

He focuses on how Caleb’s brow furrows and his nose scrunches up when he’s really focused on a video game or trying to remember that one physics equation. He focuses on how Caleb tries not to laugh right after taking a bite of his food and ends up snorting loudly, sending them both into a fit of giggles. He focuses on how Caleb’s face lights up when he says that yes, he’ll go to the football game on Friday.

 

During the whole game, Adam sits by himself in the stands, intently watching Caleb play. He doesn’t understand the rules at all, and he’s so worried that Caleb’s anger will get the best of him and he’ll do something rash and stupid and get himself hurt, but it’s all worth it when Caleb scores the winning goal (is goal the right word? He’ll ask Caleb later, but right now he’s too happy to care).

 

He’s so proud of him, and he runs down to the field and finds Caleb and he can feel a stupid grin threatening to tear his face apart but he just  _ doesn’t care _ and it takes all of his willpower not to grab his face and just kiss him, right then and there.

 

But he can’t do that, can’t ruin what they have.

 

Besides, there’s no way Caleb feels the same way.

 

Right?

 

***

 

When he’s around Caleb, the static feels more like a quiet hum.

 

It’s calm.

 

It’s nice.

 

***

 

Sometimes he will catch Caleb looking at him, but he looks away hurriedly whenever Adam tries to meet his gaze. Adam just chalks it up to wishful thinking, but a small part of him wonders if it’s real, that Caleb maybe, just  _ maybe _ , feels the same way.

 

If there was a way to just tell what he was feeling, then Adam wouldn’t have to even worry about it. But there isn’t, so Adam just has to assume that this stupid crush is driving him crazy.

 

Sometimes he wonders why Caleb even hangs out with him anymore.

 

_ Maybe he doesn’t even notice my crush. He probably doesn’t even know that I’m gay. He can be kind of a meathead sometimes. _

 

It feels like lying to pretend he isn’t, but how the fuck are you supposed to tell your football-playing guy best friend that you are crushing hard on that you like, well, guys?

 

One day, when they’re watching Mad Max on a laptop on Caleb’s living room couch, shoulders pressed together, Adam decides to try and break the news without making a whole deal out of it.

 

“Wow, Tom Hardy is pretty hot in this scene, huh?” His mouth is dry and his palms are sweating, but he tries to keep his voice steady and casual.

 

“Hm? Oh, uh, yeah, I can see that,” Caleb responds nonchalantly, not moving his eyes from the laptop screen or scooting away. Adam lets out a quiet sigh of relief. His best friend isn’t secretly a homophobe, which is always nice to know for sure. But on the other hand, based on his non-committal response, he definitely isn’t gay either.

 

It’s the worst possible outcome, in a way.

 

***

 

Saturdays are Adam’s favorite day, because spends his Saturdays sprawled across Caleb’s bed or laying on Caleb’s sofa or sitting on a park bench next to Caleb. He spends his Saturdays sharing his favorite songs with Caleb and watching Caleb smile and making Caleb laugh and letting Caleb teach him about sports and quizzing Caleb on important dates in history with poorly-made flashcards.

 

He wants to tell Caleb that every day is an important date in history as long as they’re spending time together.

 

(He doesn’t.)

 

(He thinks he might be falling in love.)

 

Adam is very excited for this particular Saturday, because there’s a new Snow Patrol album out, and he really  _ really _ wants to show it to Caleb. They lay on the floor and listen to every song in order, and Caleb is beaming at Adam, and they’re chatting (not flirting,  _ Adam you’ve really got to stop with this wishful thinking, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment _ ) between each one, talking about how they like it compared to their previous albums. They’re laughing over some dumb joke that Caleb just made when they lock eyes and Adam completely forgets what the joke was and when the laughter dies they’re still making eye contact and Caleb looks so nervous and he bites his lip just a bit and  _ Adam stop looking at his mouth you’re gonna weird him out _ and he could just roll over and their faces would be less than an inch apart and— 

 

The last track on the album comes to an end and Adam loses his nerve, so they just lay side by side on the rough carpet of Caleb’s bedroom in silence for a few minutes.

 

“Hey Adam?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“D’you wanna, uh, go on a walk? The weather has been warm this weekend, and uh, I dunno, I thought it might be nice?”

 

Adam props himself up on one elbow to get a better look at Caleb and sees that his forehead is just a little bit tense, but maybe that’s just residue stress from yesterday’s math exam.

 

“Yeah, that uh, that sounds nice.”

 

When they walk together, their feet naturally fall into step, with Caleb taking slightly bigger strides to keep up with Adam’s long legs. Without either of them needing to say anything, their feet walk them to the park near Caleb’s house, specifically the park bench that is partially concealed so they can sit sit and talk in peace. As they step off the sidewalk and onto the gravel path, Caleb breaks the silence.

 

“So, uh, I wanted to tell you something.”

 

“Um? Okay, shoot I guess.”

 

“Uh, I guess I should… well, um, do you remember that fight last year? The one that almost got me expelled?” Adam looks at him quizzically, trying to figure out where this is going.

 

“Yeah, I do. I was surprised to hear that you beat a kid up because, well, you always seemed so nice.” The tension in Caleb’s face shifts a bit, but Adam can’t tell why. “Wait, shit Caleb, did you get into another fight?”

 

Caleb laughs. “Between getting pizza after school yesterday and you coming over this morning? Yeah, no.” He stops laughing and his shoulders tense under his t-shirt. “Uh, but, when other people get angry, I, like, I feel their anger and just get really angry, just like super fucking angry.”

 

Adam cracks a smile. “Yeah, I had noticed that.”

 

“Well, have you heard of mirror touch synesthesia? Your parent are doctors, right? Or, like, how some people have too much empathy and can feel what other people are feeling?”

 

“Yeah, I have. Dude, where are you going with this?” Adam feels the weight in his stomach get just a little bit heavier.

 

“Uh, well, I’m like that. An empath, I mean.” No. This cannot be happening. “I can feel whatever other people are feeling when they’re in the same room as me.” If he can feel everything, then that means he knows— 

 

“Caleb, you’re messing with me, right?” He laughs nervously, looking around to see if there are any signs of this being some sort of cruel prank to expose his crush.

 

“No, I can definitely feel the feelings of other people around me.” Adam’s stomach turns sour. There has to be some misunderstanding, there has to be, there’s no way this is actually happening.

 

“Wow Caleb, you must be spending too much time with the team if you think that it’s abnormal to have fucking empathy.” He regrets the words as soon as he says them, and he sees Caleb flinch a little, but his brain is moving a mile a minute and his stomach feels weird, but this isn’t butterflies, this is twisting and turning and horrible. 

 

“Hey, man, I’m being serious. This isn’t just a normal empathy thing, I’m... uh,  _ shit, _ what did Doctor Bright call it… Hey, Adam, dude, calm down, I can feel that you’re nervous.” How could he not have told him? Adam had been crushing on him for the entire time they’ve been friends, and Adam had been so fucking worried about hiding it, about keeping his secret, when Caleb knew the whole time. “Dude, I can feel that you’re angry, chill, I’m not— I won’t, like, hurt you or anything.”

 

“How long?”

 

“What?”

 

“How long have you been able to… feel my feelings?”

 

“Well, this started up when I was about fifteen, so the whole time we’ve been friends. Yours are some of the… they’re the easiest for me to feel”

 

Shit.

 

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

 

Adam feels all of the blood drain from his face.

 

“Whoa, hey, Adam, sit down!”

 

When had he stood up?

 

“Oh god, I have to go. I… I’m so sorry, but I need to go right now,” and his legs are suddenly running, getting him out of this situation as fast as possible.

 

Caleb knew he liked him, had liked him for months, and he definitely didn’t feel the same way.

 

Adam locks his bedroom door as soon as he gets home.

 

The weight in his stomach gets  just a little bit a whole lot heavier that day.

 

***

 

_ (5:27pm) wtf dude _

_ (5:27pm) that was kinds shitty _

_ (5:28pm) **kinda _

_ (5:28pm) can we skype or smth? i just wanna talk man _

_ (5:42pm) cmon adam _

_ (7:56pm) adam _

_ (11:03pm) adaaaaaaam _

 

Adam types out a response, but deletes it immediately. He tries again and again, but nothing sounds right.

 

He doesn’t sleep much that night.

 

***

 

_ (8:52am) adam please _

_ (8:53am) ur read receipts are on man _

_ (8:53am) adam i can see those grey (gray?) dots _

 

***

 

_ (10:11am) im sorry that i upset you yesterday but u need to know that i like ur feelings. All of them. So u shoudknt feel weird or anything abt the fact that i can feel them bc it doesntr have to be weird _

 

Adam’s heart is pounding about a million miles an hour, and his hands are shaking a little as he types out a response and finally gets the nerve to hit send.

 

_ (10:12am) How is it not weird? It’s so weird! And humiliating! _

 

_ (10:12am) what do u have to be humiliated abt?? _

 

_ (10:12am) Come on, you must know by now. If you can really feel everything I feel, then you must know. No point in beating around the bush. _

 

_ (10:12am) tbh i wasnr rlly sure _

_ (10:13am) sometimes things get rlly muddled nd it was eazy to confiuse that w my own feelings _

 

Adam can’t handle this anymore. His stomach squeezes as he presses the call button.

 

“What the  _ fuck _ is that supposed to mean?” He feels like he’s about to cry but his voice is surprisingly steady.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What feelings do you have to be confused about?” If he can really feel them all, then he knows. He fucking knows how Adam feels and he rejected him and he couldn't even have the decency to make any goddamn sense while doing it.

 

“Well, like, when I’m feeling something and another person is feeling the same thing, I can’t tell what’s coming from me and what’s coming from them.” Adam’s head is spinning and he feels his hands shaking harder and harder.

 

“Caleb, I swear to god, if you don’t start making sense in the next ten seconds—”

 

“I like you too, okay?”

 

His hands freeze. Caleb keeps talking but Adam barely registers what he’s saying as the whirring in his mind comes to a sudden halt and he tries to process this new information.

 

Caleb Michaels likes him, Adam Hayes. Except, no, that can’t be right, because—

 

“But… I didn’t think… how did I not know you’re gay?”

 

“Oh, um, I don’t know that I am.”

 

So this was all a big misunderstanding. Fuck.

 

“Oh, sorry, never mind—” he stumbles over his words, trying to salvage any bit of friendship that could possibly remain after the last twenty-four hours, when Caleb interrupts.

 

“It’s not that I’m not into- it’s just you. I like you.”

 

Adam feels his face heat up, and even though his mind has stopped spinning, his heartbeat is picking up speed rapidly as what Caleb is saying fully dawns on him.

 

“Oh, well, that’s. That’s good.”  _ Wow, nice job Adam, real smooth. _

 

“So wait, where exactly did your feelings land on this? My thing doesn’t work through the phone.” 

 

If Adam wasn’t so nervous, he would have laughed. If he wasn’t so nervous, he would have teased Caleb for being so dumb about his crush, and about calling his ability his “thing”.

 

But Adam is nervous, he’s so fucking nervous, and it’s honestly a miracle that he’s still maintaining anything resembling a conversation.

 

“Uh, yeah, no, me too. Um, could I… should I come over? So we can talk and stuff?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, no, that would be great. Just— um, give me, like, half an hour?” Caleb lowers his voice until it’s almost a whisper. “I’m sort of at my therapist right now? But I can be home in, like, twenty.”

 

“Okay, that’s cool. I’ll see you in thirty?”

 

“Yeah, okay, cool.” Adam hears Caleb’s smile through the phone, and he can’t help but smile in return. “Um, I’ll see you then. Uh, bye.”

 

Caleb hangs up and Adam just stares at his phone, completely dumbstruck, before shrugging on his hoodie and heading towards Caleb’s house.

 

***

 

The next thirty minutes are painfully slow. Adam knows it’s only a twenty minute walk to Caleb’s house, and he doesn’t want to get there before him because that would just be awkward, so he spends ten agonizing minutes pacing back and forth across his bedroom, trying to make any sense of the thoughts racing through his mind. 

 

Caleb likes him. As more than friends. Caleb isn’t gay but probably isn’t straight either. Caleb likes him. Caleb is smart but he can be stupid about emotions sometimes, but it’s okay because he tries and besides, he’s cute enough that Adam can look past that. And Adam doesn’t have to feel guilty about thoughts like that anymore because  _ Caleb likes him _ .

 

Adam checks his phone clock obsessively for the next ten minutes before practically running out of his house, barely remembering to lock the door behind him.

 

He’s so fucking excited to see Caleb, especially since now he doesn’t have to hide his crush anymore, not that he was really able to in the first place. But Caleb didn’t notice his feelings for him because they got… what did he say, “mixed with his own feelings”? Adam would have to ask Caleb how exactly  _ that _ worked when he saw him.

 

Adam is so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he barely realizes that he’s at Caleb’s house until he’s walking up to the porch and reaching for the doorknob. The door swings open before he can put his hand on it, and Adam is suddenly brought back to reality as he nearly falls on his face in front of Caleb, who had apparently been waiting near the door for Adam to arrive. 

 

Once he recovers from the near disaster, he sees Caleb grinning at him, and his first instinct is to grab his face and kiss that grin right off of his stupid face, but then he sees Caleb’s mom in the kitchen behind him and decides against it. Instead he shifts his weight awkwardly, unsure of where to start.

 

“So.”

 

“Uh.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“‘Hi’? Seriously? Half an hour ago I told you that that I like you back and all you have to say to me is ‘Hi’?” Caleb is still grinning, and Adam can feel his own mouth turning up at the corners.

 

“Hey, I’m nervous!”

 

“I know.”

 

“I know you know, it’s just. I’ve never done this before man, cut me some slack.”

 

“Never done what, dated an empath?”

 

“Uh—”   


“Oh God, I’m sorry, no, I didn’t mean dated! Unless, I mean, you wanted me to? Um,” Caleb glances over his shoulder. “Maybe we shouldn’t be having this conversation in my doorway.”

 

“Really? This is my ideal spot for awkward conversations, personally.” 

 

“Oh, shut up. Uh, do you wanna head to my room? Unless that’s too weird, we don’t—”

 

“No, your room sounds nice. I’m sure your bed is much comfier than this door frame.”

 

Caleb grins even wider as he starts to walk towards the stairs leading to his bedroom. “Adam Hayes, are you flirting with me?”

 

Adam smiles, closing the door behind him as he follows Caleb. “I don’t know, you tell me.”

 

“Okay, that is  _ not _ how it works. I’m an empath, not a telepath.”

 

“Well, I guess you’ll have to explain me how your superpower does work.”

 

“Isn’t that why you’re here? At least partially?”   
  


“Come on, I’m trying to do a thing!” They climb up the stairs and turn into Caleb’s room. Adam flops onto the bed while Caleb sits down in his shitty desk chair that never stays at the height you set it to.

 

“A-ha! So you  _ are _ flirting!”

 

“I’m not— I don’t, I don’t know, actually. Like I said, I’ve never done this before.”

 

“Done what?”

 

Adam waves his hands around vaguely, not sure where to start. “This! Flirting, dating, any of it. Hell, I didn’t even know I was gay until, like, eighth grade.”

 

“Really? But—”

 

“Yeah, I know, everyone at school always knew. Amy tried to recruit me as her gay best friend in fourth grade.”

 

“Yikes.”

 

“Yeah. Plus, you have no right to tease me about that. You didn’t even know you were g— that you liked… boys? Me? Until, like, this year, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess, but at least I’ve dated before.”

 

“Did you like the… the girls?”

 

“No, not really. And yeah, I’ve never had a…” Caleb looks up at Adam, and, yeah, he’s definitely nervous, because this is the same look he had on his face last time they were in this room together, before he suggested going on a walk. “Uh, I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

 

“Yeah, me neither. So, boyfriends?” Adam reaches out his hand, and Caleb shifts forward in the chair and shakes it firmly.

 

“Boyfriends.” Caleb lets go of his hand but stays leaning forward, and Adam is hit with, for what feels like the millionth time, the overwhelming urge to lean forward and kiss him. He instinctively pushes away the thought, before remembering that Caleb literally just called him his boyfriend. He still feels weird thinking about it though, and he doesn’t want to do anything that will make Caleb uncomfortable.

 

“Hey Adam? You’re blushing, like, super hard.”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so.”

 

Caleb is so damn cute and his face is  _ right there _ and Adam might explode if he doesn’t do something right now. “Um. Sorry if this is a dumb question, but, uh... can I kiss you?”

 

“Can- can you kiss me? Of course, I—”

 

Adam grabs Caleb’s face in his hands and kisses him before he can finish.

 

It’s incredibly awkward— Adam, who is already taller by a few inches, is seated higher than Caleb, so he has to lean way down, and he’s never kissed anyone before so he has absolutely no clue what the hell he’s doing. He basically just presses their mouths together, but Caleb’s lips feel so nice against his own; they taste like peppermint chapstick and Gatorade which should be gross but it isn’t, it’s just  _ nice _ .

 

The kiss only lasts for a moment before Caleb pulls away. Adam is terrified for a moment, worried that he didn’t something wrong, that he’s a terrible kisser, that this was all some elaborate scheme, before he sees that Caleb is smiling again.

 

“What?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Why are you smiling, Caleb?”

 

“You’re really happy. I mean I am too, but it’s different coming from you. It feels really nice.”

 

Adam hadn’t noticed, he had been too focused on kissing Caleb, but yeah, he’s  _ really _ fucking happy. He hasn’t felt this light since the swings in first grade; he feels like he might fly away at any moment, but he wants to stay here with Caleb, so he kisses him again.

 

This kiss is much less awkward than the first one, but still far from graceful. Both of their mouths are parted from smiling, and their teeth nearly bump together a few times, but they manage to avoid anything too mood-ruining. Caleb pulls away briefly to hoist himself up onto the bed, making them more level, before running a hand through Adam’s hair and kissing him again. Eventually, Adam runs out of breath and has to pull away.

 

They sit in this position for a moment, faces inches away from each other but neither one moving any closer, silent except for their breathing.

 

“Well, that was a lot.”

 

“Well put, Adam. I can see why you’re the star of our English class.” Adam snorts a little.

 

“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment.” He sits quietly for a moment, still processing everything that just happened, until Caleb speaks up.

 

“Thank you, by the way.”

 

“Hm? For what, kissing you? Because you really don’t have to, it was my plea—”

 

“Well, yeah, but I really wanted to say thanks for, uh, for asking. If you could kiss me? You said it was a dumb question, and in the moment I kind of thought it was, because I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time now. But, uh, it was a really sweet gesture, and I really, uh, appreciate it, and I’m glad you cared enough to ask. Because I care about, you too. A lot. Even though I’m not very good at, like, expressing it and stuff.”

 

(Adam is definitely falling in love.)

 

“Well,” he pokes Caleb’s arm, grinning. “I’m glad you like me asking questions, because I have about a bajillion about your superpower.” Caleb grins back.

 

“God, you’re such a dork.”

 

“Whatever, meathead.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope y’all liked it! please leave kudos (and maybe a comment if you want me to love you forever) if you did!
> 
> id especially like to know what y’all thought of that last scene, i was stuck on it for a long time and it was my first time doing anything like that, so constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> also if you have any other ideas you’d like to see me write or podcast recs, lmk!!!


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